Searching. Wandering. Hesitating.
Ahh, the moment of transition. You're feeling disconcerted as you move through a life that seems completely untethered from stability. Or even untethered from past definitions of your optimistic expectations of what your life could look like. But, as Cynthia Occelli says: "For a seed to achieve its greatest expression, it must come completely undone. The shell cracks, its insides come out and everything changes. To someone who doesn’t understand growth, it would look like complete destruction." Can I get a hell yes on that one?
So you’re smack dab in the middle of the experience of the moment of transition. Exciting! This process is unlike many others you might face in life, and you are feeling every feeling on the spectrum. There is so much duality, so many double edged swords. Excitement for what’s next feels simultaneously exhilarating and terrifying. Anticipation feels simultaneously wrought with both realistic and unrealistic expectations. The unknown feels simultaneously close and far. You’re pulled equally between finding a way to be satisfied with what you already have and daring to believe there is something sensational on the other side of your hesitation. The understanding that everything will change at a single moment in time causes you to push possibilities away as fast as possible and pull possibilities in as fast as possible. Every opportunity that presents itself throws you for a loop because you wonder if this is the one or if you should pass on it in order to be ready for the next one, the real one. You want to be able to stick your big toe in and not sense that a force is running towards your back, arms out, aiming to push you in before you’re ready.
You have so many options, yet you still feel paralyzed. You’re looking for something, yet you can’t put your finger on why you’re so restless. You’ve accomplished so much, yet somehow it isn’t amounting to anything that you find useful right now. How is that possible? Why is nothing ever good enough? Why do you feel like you’re constantly in a state of transition? Do you even want to feel “settled?” What is the whole point of all of this? What are you hoping to find? These are all questions that I have run through in my own mind at many points in my life. I hear you. I see you. Being fully present to possibilities in the moment of transition (even if the moment seems like it lasts months or years) is so crucial to allowing ourselves to dare to create our ideal reality.
For fun you love to travel, because it helps to tame that insatiable urge for newness, for adventure, for possibility, for freedom. Your typical day involves being busy, but not in a good way. Your type of busy is exhausting because you don’t afford yourself enough time to receive, to nurture, to contemplate. Because of this you tend to do extreme things like demand that you need a 2-week digital detox solo vacation, or you threaten to quit your job, or you binge read self help books, or you shut down and stop talking or thinking about where you want to go because it's all just too much. This is a shame because the conversations you most love to have are about possibilities for true freedom, whether yours or someone else’s. You thrive on exploring the adjacent possible and challenging people to step out and DO IT. When you play this role, you are actually challenging yourself to step out and DO IT whether you realize it or not. What gives you goosebumps is seeing someone’s grand plan actually come to fruition. It bolsters your own confidence that your grand plan can actually come to fruition as well. If only you could get clear enough on what that is to make a fckn' move. You care most about finding the balance between striving and contentment, between searching and stability. What scares you is coming to the end of a nomadic life fraught with searching for more, and not having created anything significant.
Your big world view is that anything is possible, and you often recite this mantra in your head and look for indicators around you that this could be true. All your friends think you fully embrace this, but there are many moments when you question it after a silent, arduous fight with paralysis or hesitation or failure. The scariest thought you have is along the lines of “what if I’m wrong about there being a grand future for myself? What if I’m just mediocre? What if I can’t overcome my tendency to hesitate in time to become who I think I am?” You have often drawn lines to the root cause of why you’re not where you thought you’d be, and it usually falls into categories of a long held belief you aren’t good enough or up to the task, or that your crippling perfectionism can’t be overcome, or that you have decision fatigue when it comes to stepping confidently towards a new opportunity.
The moment of transition, whether your moment is defined by a huge, exciting opportunity or a slow bleed towards someplace you don’t think you want to be, is the single most transformative opportunity you will face in your life. It is your choice whether to figure out how to dig out the wisdom you already hold and switch your mental gears and DO IT. I would be honored to serve as your supporter and your witness as the seed of your life destroys itself in order to bloom into a strong, stable, magnificent tree.
I would like to beg you dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.
Rainer Maria Rilke
Letters to a Young Poet (1903)